Understanding Your Communication Style

Your Communication Style

Every person has a unique communication style shaped by their upbringing, personality, and life experiences. Understanding your own style — and your spouse’s — is the first step toward bridging communication gaps.

The Four Communication Styles

1. Assertive Communication

• Expresses needs clearly and respectfully
• Listens to others’ perspectives
• Uses “I” statements: “I feel…” rather than “You always…”
• This is the healthiest style to aim for

2. Passive Communication

• Avoids expressing feelings or needs
• Goes along to keep the peace
• May build up resentment over time
• Often says “It’s fine” when it’s not

3. Aggressive Communication

• Expresses feelings in dominating or hostile ways
• May use blame, criticism, or contempt
• Focuses on “winning” the argument
• Creates fear rather than connection

4. Passive-Aggressive Communication

• Appears passive on the surface
• Expresses anger indirectly through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle sabotage
• Avoids direct confrontation while still punishing

Identifying Your Patterns

Most people don’t fall neatly into one category. You might be assertive at work but passive at home, or assertive about some topics but aggressive about others.

Reflection Questions:

• When I’m upset with my spouse, my first instinct is to… (withdraw? attack? discuss?)
• When my spouse is upset with me, I tend to… (defend? listen? shut down?)
• In my family growing up, conflict was handled by…

Moving Toward Assertive Communication

The goal isn’t perfection — it’s awareness. When you recognize your patterns, you gain the power to choose a different response.

Practice this week: Notice when you slip into passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive patterns. Simply notice — don’t judge yourself. Awareness is the first step to change.